Chapter Four - And, Baby Makes Three!

I am not experiencing the morning sickness that one hears from so many people as being typical for the first trimester of the pregnancy; however, my balance is off a bit in that when I walk down the stairs, I can no longer do so as quickly before without a sensation of falling occurs. The glass elevators leave me with a motion sickness of sorts if I try to look out of them while going up or down in them in office buildings. Things are certainly changing within me.

I am very excited about this new miracle that is growing within me, but my husband is less than excited about it all. Perhaps, he will change his mind as time goes on? and, certainly, by the time that our daughter is born??? Yes, I feel certain that this is going to be a girl; unexplainable as to why I feel that way, but I understand that it is normal for women to have a sense of the sex of the baby that they are carrying.

Ages ago, I had thought about the "What if" scenarios of my having a baby someday and what I would consider to naming her. "Amanda" is certainly at the top of my list because of the character Amanda in the television series, "The Scarecrow and Mrs. King" was so real, albeit sometimes slightly flawed overcoming those great odds. However, if I am wrong, "Gavin" was the name I was thinking for a boy, coming from the soap operas of a very distinguished and handsome young man. I would run these names by my husband; he did not care. Why should he? After all, he still believed that one should not bring a child into this viscious world of ours.

Because I was not experiencing the morning sickness that so many pregnant women complained about, the idea that I was truly pregnant seemed surreal at times; after all, if I were truly pregnant, why was I not feeling those things as well??? What suddenly brought it into reality was the day that our baby decided to do a summersault in my stomach area. The summersault was so distinct a motion that I quite literally had to turn around and lay down on the bed while she continued to flip herself over. I laid down there and just watched as my stomach finally showed that this wonderful miracle was indeed there and now visible to the world. It was probably, too, at this time when it suddenly became reality to my husband as well when he began to see my stomach pooch out with our miracle baby.

Yes, she is indeed a miracle baby as he was using condoms and I was on the birth control pills, which is seemingly an overkill in birth protection; yet, she was conceived in spite of it all. Amazing. Truly amazing!!

The drinking excessively issue of my husband began to really grate on my nerves. Perhaps, having our baby growing within me was making me more motherly and desiring to become more protective of the child; perhaps, not drinking even socially as I have done in the past was making me even more aware of the extent of his problem. We started to argue on occasion about the alcohol in the house and I so wanted to fix him, but knowing that I could not really, truly do so.

One morning, he had come in late that evening from a poker game stinking drunk. I woke up early that morning and started making breakfast before I was to head off to work. I did not know his schedule that day and he often would call into work, telling them that he would be running late to work. Work was really tolerant of him, but on this day, they were concerned because there was a meeting that day and the phone rang; it was his boss!

I told his boss that he was sleeping. He asked that I wake him up. Fearing his reaction, I caustiously proceeded into the bedroom to attempt to wake him up. He did not respond initially. I put the phone up to him and told him that his boss was on the line. He talked to his boss and hung up the phone. A few moments later, his boss called again. I woke him up again and he told me to tell his boss that he was on his way; I did and went back to the living room to hang up some clothes on the mantle while he continued to sleep.

Suddenly and without warning, he came up from behind me and threw me into a nearby chair. "Do not EVER do that again!" "What? Do what you asked me to do???" "Do not EVER wake me up and have me talk to my boss. I wanted to sleep in a bit before going to work." Without warning, fists began flying to hit me in my eyes. I curled up wanting to protect our unborn daughter. I could not move. I could not scream. I just sat there while his fist threw at me and hit me all over. He even had turned to the mantle where some of his shirts hung and grabbed the lot of them and slung those at me as well. Hanger hooks catching in my clothes and tearing them apart, leaving scratches on my body. Without warning it stopped.

I cautiously looked up and realized that he was gone. He had gone to the bathroom and was taking a shower. Shaking like a leaf, I go to the phone and dial 9-1-1. "Yes, police? My husband is out of control and I am scared. Yes, he did hit me. I am so scared, too, because I am pregnant as well with our baby." I set the phone receiver back in its cradle, looked around to check if he was still in the bedroom and the bathroom door was still closed. I looked towards the door and there was knocking at the door. He hollered from the bedroom, "Who is that now?" "I do not know. Let me see." I rush to the door and see two very strong police officers who immediately asked, "How did you get those black eyes?" Black eyes? Oh, God. This time was much worse than ever. We are not talking about just some bruises or just a borken finger or arm. Hearing him holler in the background, they asked, "Did he do that to you?" I was speechless. I simply nod my head. They begin talking to him from the doorway asking him to go outside. My husband walks outside and I close the door behind them while an officer steps inside to talk to me and all I hear is, "Do you think that is a good way to treat your wife?" and a huge thud was heard against the garage door as they handcuff him and take him away.

After talking to the police officer, they called an ambulance for me because we were not only concerned about the injuries incurred upon me, but also what harm may have incurred to the baby. Things changed. It was no longer just an assault at myself, he assaulted our unborn child as well. At the hospital, a volunteer advocate from the local crisis center came to my aid. She helped me to go back home to gather some things and we went to a secret place to stay to be safe and sound.

Chapter Three - In My Dreams

Visiting our favorite out of the way fishing pond, we bait and set up our reels for fishing. Throwing the lines we get our floaters out in the middle of the pond waiting for the fish to bite. He sets down his reel propped on a log near the shore of the pond, walks towards me and gives me a kiss on my neck, which instantaneously melts me to yearn for more of him. His hands move down my arms to my finger tips, releasing the reel from my hands, and placing it on the log by his. Returning to me, he kisses me on my neck, as if not missing a beat, and moves the kisses further towards my breasts, gently moving my shirt to the side to suck upon my nipples. His other hand is unbuttoning my shirt and both hands slide the shirt off from the back, allowing his hands to smoothly move to the back of my bra releasing it too the ground while nary missing a suckling motion on my nipples. He gently slides me on the blanket we had previoulsy laid on the ground, moving the hair out of my face and then working on removing the zipper on my pants. I am feeling his member swell next to me and I hold on tight while I am caressing his back. The heat of the passion takes off indeed and we make use of every square inch of that blanket, and then some. The bark of the tree became a friend in my hands as his member caused my back to arch feeling it swell through the depths of my own. I let out a scream of joy as he buries his member very deep in me, yearning for more to continue, until I could just take no more as orgasms have come multiple times in increasing vibrations and the kegels massages his member even faster. A new plateau that we had never reached before was felt, sensations of warmths swarmed our bodies and tingled as the cool breezes tickled our bare skins.

Nothing around us had mattered. We were definately into the moment of time, which had lasted hours into the sunny, but breezy, afternoon. I lay my head on his chest, as we often did after making love, and held him as tight as he was holding me. I could hear his heart beat; it was a comfort and a sense of closeness to hear that each day.

We had a relationship of closeness that I had felt with no other. With each passing year, we were so very into each other.

One evening though his cousin comes over to our home and we spend a evening with her and her boyfriend having barbque chicken on the grill, dinner, and playing some games -- Uno, Scabble, and others. During the course of the conversations, discussion was had about babies. She and her boyfriend had wanted babies, I wanted a baby, but my husband exploded that he didn't want to bring any child into this world. Although, we had playfully discussed this in the past, he was adamently and vehemently against having kids this night. I didn't know if it were just the liquor talking or him for real being real about it.

Slamming his hand down on our glass dining room table, he says, "God damn it! Why should we bring a child in this world? There are people starving in this world and we want to bring another into this world? How is that fair for them?", then (while standing up now) he continues, "There are wars all over the world? How are we to know that Armagedean isn't going to happen today or tomorrow?"

"Really, dear? Don't you believe that we can make the most of our lives today instead of constantly worrying about the future? after all, what good is worrying about tomorrow if we cannot enjoy today. You sound like you are still in the 60's with that mode of thinking."

"Hey, cousin, what would you do if your protection you use during sex breaks? What would you do?"

He turned around and said vehemently, "Abort. I WOULD NOT bring any child in this world."

We all gasped. We didn't know what to say and called it a night. It was clear that noone was going to bend his way of thinking.

Months later, I quivered in thought when the doctor told me that I was pregnant. The doctor didn't understand my reaction and asked me, "Aren't you excited?" "I am, doc, but I am afraid my husband won't be. He doesn't want to bring a child into this world. I have no idea how he will react." "Well, sometimes, it take a while for them to get used to the idea, but they do eventually come around and love the child as much as you will." I just don't know; I just remember how adament he was when his cousin and her boyfried was at our house.

"Hello, honey??? What time are you going to be home? Oh, nothing special; just want to know what time to have dinner ready tonight. Six o'clock? Fine. See ya' then. Love you too." I'll stop at the grocery store along the way to fix one of his favorite meals; perhaps that will put him in a better mood?

Candlelight dinner was prepared and set before he arrive home. Picking up things as a last minute thought throughout the house. I just didn't want anything to set him off. Things just set him off at times and I never knew why. I just tried to be the perfect wife and do what ever I could do to make things perfect inside the home. I sure couldn't fix the things that would occur to him at work or in the world outside, although sometimes I did get blamed for those as well.

The doors open. Is he mad or happy? I test the waters, "Hey, honey! Got dinner ready for us to have a quiet meal together for a change." Waiting for a moment and, upon hearing nothing angry come out of his mouth, I proceed, "I am sure that you are tired and have had a hard day. Why don't you go take a shower first before sitting down here with me?"

He showers and I hand him a fresh glass of ice tea to him as he sits down with me and we talk about everything under the sun, including casually bringing up our pregnancy news. He scoffed a bit, but nothing too bad. Perhaps, the dinner worked; perhaps, he was just tired. I put up the food and left the dishes for in the morning so I could lay down with my husband, with my head on his chest, and heard him say as he was falling asleep, "I love you."

I am so glad I married this man!

Chapter Two -- First Year

We had lived together for the first couple of years before getting married. Everyone has their ideas about the pros and cons of whether anyone should live together before a couple gets married -- from the extremeley religious who truly believe it to be sinful to those liberals who probably would prefer cohabitation to marriage because the idea of a marriage is so structured. I don't either consider myself too religious or too liberal in my thoughts; however, from the three years that we did live together, we do have the advantages of (1) knowing each other's quirks already, (2) having already decided how to blend together his and hers stuff to make it their stuff, (3) not having to unpack right after the honey moon.

As prepare from winding down from our honeymoon trip over the weekend, I awake to the smells of bacon, pancakes, and freshly squeezed orange juice being prepared. As I start to roll over, I find myself looking up to this lovely man bringing in a tray with breakfast and a small vase of flowers, "Well, hello, dear! My kitten arises this morning!!" and a nice chuckle following as he bows down to lay the tray next to me and kiss me. I reach up my arms to urge him closer to me and he finds himself suddenly laying next to me and we are making love. What a way to wake up to the day! After our passion rolling through the sheets, we lay next to each other and we share the breakfast that he has brought into me.

Love is certainly grand!

This continues throughout the upcoming months on the weekends. During the week, we have our love making sessions to start off the day; however, skipping the breakfast in bed routine as we both have to hurdle out of the bed, into the shower, and getting dressed for our jobs that we do in the week. He is an accountant for a taxi cab company downtown and rides a bus; I drop him off at the bus depot on my way to my paralegal job at the law office nearby.

One weekend is different though as he lays the tray beside me, he kisses me and resists from laying down near me. He states, "Mark is coming over soon. He and I are going fishing." Mark had been a long-time friend of his from childhood days. I was certainly not going to stand in between two long-time good friends by any means; besides, I had been thinking about going to an Arts and Crafts show in town which really wasn't his thing anyways. After having breakfast, I get up, get dressed, and discovered that Mark was here waiting on Anthony to get his fishing gear all together to load up on the truck. Mark hollered out to me, "Hi! Sorry that we have to run, but we want to get the fishin' while the fishin' is good!" I am laughing to myself wondering how these two are even going to make it to the fishing hole, much less to the truck as they stumbled over one another trying to race to the truck to see who gets there first -- just like any two boys who were as good of friends as these two would do. I went on to the craft show, bought a couple of items to use around our house, and proceeded to make some dinner and clean the house while waiting on their return. When they returned though, Mark walked in the door with his buddy just hanging off of his shoulder.

"What did you do to my husband??"

"Ah. Nothing. We drank about 3 cases of beer."

"Just you two?"

"Yeppers. He'd be alright in the morning. I'll just lay him down on the bed."

I sat on the edge of the bed and watched my husband lay there as Mark left, making sure that breathing sounds were heard and assure myself that he wasn't going to start puking anytime soon. After I had convinced myself that he wasn't near death after that much drinking, I brought a trash can and placed it near the bed just in case and proceeded into the other room to try watch some tv and read a book.

After an hour or so, he came out of the bedroom and sat beside me, apologizing for being so very drunk. I coaxed him into the bedroom to lay down some more. As I did, he slung me on the bed and pulled out a bowie knife from in between the mattresses, brazing it before my eyes.

With slurred speech, he said, "This is my bowie knife."

"Yes, I know, dear. Why don't we put it back up?"

"Nah. Not right now" as he started to pop off buttons off of my shirt with the knife. He slide the knife from my stomach up through the chest area and laid it on my neck as he added, "I could kill you, you know?"

"Yeah, but, Pookey Bear, do you really want to do that?" with a bit of quiver in my own voice.

"Nah..." and he was asleep. Thank, God! I wiggled my way from him, took the Bowie knife away from him and put it in the kitchen for the time being and went back into the living room. Shaking from head to toe, I didn't know what to do. Perhaps, he'll just sleep the rest of it off and he won't remember a thing in the morning.

Another hour or so went by and he started calling my name. He wouldn't quit so I went into the bedroom and he asked me to lay beside him. Had he already forgotten what he did earlier??? I started towards him and he grabbed my arm and slung me on the bed. He, this time, pulled out a gun. Continuing in his slurred speech, "This is my Walter PPK!"

"Yes, I know dear. Shouldn't we put that up? You told me that gun is for emergencies only. You have drank too much with your friend Mark. You need your rest."

"Nahhhh. I have rested enough!" The gun was now pointed at my head and fingers are on the trigger. I close my eyes. What was I doing in this relationship? Is this what is meant for me? Am I to die so young at the hands of this crazed man? This seemed so perfect and so real; now the reality is that I feel the coldness of the barrel on my temple. I open my eyes and his body is limp on mine. I wiggle from underneath him, take the gun out of his fingers, and put it back into the drawer.

Then I go to the living and use the phone, "Aaaaa, hello, Mark? Yes, Mark, what the hell did you guys do? You need to come over and help your best friend out. He has pulled both his bowie knife and his Walter PPK gun on me! I am scared. What? You are too tired? Imagine me sitting up here wondering what he is going to do next. Thanks, a lot, bud!" I called another friend of mine; she came over and stayed up with me throughout the remainder of the night. When he awoke the next day, he didn't remember a thing.

This is a turning point in my life. I thought that the marriage itself would be a turning point in my life -- going from a single womanhood into married womanhood -- but, this has aged me 30 years in one night. I couldn't talk about it to anyone; and, certainly not my family. They would have the attitude of "I told you so" and I was determined to show them that this was a marriage to last for-ever.

Tonight he made me a steak dinner, with a candlit table, complete with music and fresh flowers on the buffet. We danced and held each other as we told each other how very much we loved each other. He didn't seem to remember anything of last night. I wanted to believe in my Cinderella dreams of having found my prince of princes. Tonight, I fell asleep in his arms and my head upon his chest, feeling secure in spite of what happend the night before. He is seven years older than me. He is my protector. He does love me.

The remainder of the year was perfect and dreams were made to move into a house we would purchase together.

Chapter One - Honeymoon

What a day as the sun is beating and warming my body, as the wind's breezes flutters whisps of my hair into my face while laying on a chaise lounge on the white sands of a beach. The sounds of the waves beating constantly on the shorelines and the seagulls flying overhead. My thoughts drift off to an unknown world where I feel masculine hands come from behind me touching my breasts and a deep male voice offering suggestions in my ear of making a date for a dinner on the verandah watching the sunset. I am melting to the sound of his voice. I hold onto his hands holding my breast saying, "Yes, yes, yes! Of course, dear. I'd love to do that." My heart beats rapidly in excitement then,

splat!

A seagull's droppings land on my bathing suit, awaking my senses to reality. As I am wiping it off with some cabana room towels we brought with us to the beach, I look to the right of me and see my loving new husband laying there absorbing the sun's rays as well. I am staring at him and absorbing all the excitement that has culminated in the last few days with our wedding. I thought we would never get married. During the past three years, we have had our rough times, but nothing like the stresses of getting things ready for our marriage day. The premarital counseling, the meeting with the pastor, the picking of flowers and cakes, making the dress I would wear, finding our rings (my ring and our wedding bands), getting the plans together for our honeymoon trip, and so much more. It is absolutely amazing that we are even here.

I see Anthony's eyes awakening now and looking towards me. He must have felt my gaze on him. He slowly turns his head and looks right at me; he doesn't speak at first and then says, "Hey, honey. Are you thirsty?"

"Sure. What did you have in mind?"

"I see a little hut over there. I thought I would see about getting us a paradise drink while we bathe in the sun in this paradise on the beach. How about it?"

"Sounds good to me. I'll go with you. I need a few moments out of the sun's rays anyway." I grab my towel that I had been laying on and wrap it around my waist, as he says, "Ok."

As we are walking over to the hut, we are hearing Beach Boy's song emerging, "Aruba, Jamaica..." as we approach the bartender who is showing off fancy bartending tricks like Michael Caine and Tom Cruise did in the movie, "Cocktails and Dreams". Catching the beats of the song, my husband twirls me around just before we get to the hut where he responds to the bartender, "Yeah, do you have any paradise drinks to enjoy on the paradise beach? ... What does it have in it? ... Yeah that sounds good...." As he is talking to the bartender, my eyes wonder to the couple at the opposite end of the bar circle who look like they had just been married as well. They look to be such beautiful lovebirds with their arms entwined with one another and drinking some drinks with umbrellas decorating the rim skewing through a pineapple and cherry floating on top of the drink.

Suddenly, my husband looks at me and gives me a glare, starts talking gruff to the bartender (poor bartender he doesn't know what hit him), and grabs the drinks after he puts the money down on the bar with one hand and grabs my arms and pulls me away from the bar as I am trying to be apologetic to the bartender - "I ... I... am .... sooooo sorryyyyyy!!" We get to the chaise chairs we were sitting at before, he puts the drinks on the ground in between our chairs and turns to me saying, "What the hell was that all about?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"I saw you looking at him."

"Who? Oh, you mean the couple that seemed to be making love to one another before our eyes. Wasn't that just beautiful??? They seemed sooo very happy."

"No. You were looking at him and he was checking you out."

"I really don't know what you mean because all I remember was the gazes they had towards one another."

He was starting to calm down now, thankfully. I sat back in my chair and leaned back as his hand began caressing my shoulders. "Oh, perhaps, you are right. I don't know what overcame me. I guess it is just that I am so lucky to be married to such a beautiful woman that I thought he was checking you out."

Anthony was rubbing suntan lotion oil over my body in the next moment. We bathed in the sun for a few more hours and toasted the sunset coming down. We decided to go back to our cabana for a quick change to dinner type clothes and headed to the verandah where we heard marachi music coming from to see lantern lights glowing from the sky, criss-crossed across the "ceiling" of the veranda as the sun was heading over the horizon.

Dinner was superb. Company was fantastic as we acted like we were meeting for the very first time and the love that is felt when one looks into each other's eyes. The breezes offered us excuses for getting closer to one another to keep each other warm from the cool oceanside breezes coming up over the verandah. Our love making that night and for the remainder of our honeymoon was phenonmenal. It was so relaxing and to experience this extremely romantic side of my husband. Gee, I like how that sounds - husband, husband, husband! I look down at my hand and see the beautiful ring. He really does love me, doesn't he???

I lay my head on his shoulder and fall asleep on the flight home from our honeymoon.

Prologue

Domestic violence occurs more often than one would like to think about and about 1/3 of the homicide crimes are due to domestic violence situations. People, working together, can change that and make it a safer environment for families to live and cohabitate together.

We need to bring unity back to the family unit, as well as a sense of safety and trust.

I dedicate this book to all the men and women I have come in contact throughout the years in a variety of situations and who have openly discussed what domestic violence has meant in their lives. In the end, we all want peace, serenity, and unity in our homes. Hopefully, thousands of other victims will be able to move forward in their lives as well.

Peace be with us all.